Hillary Clinton Says “Fuck It;” Gets Job at Yankee Candle

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Washington, D.C. – Hillary Clinton, wife to the 42nd president and once a possible presidential candidate for 2016, has thrown in the towel. The former United States Secretary of State, U.S. Senator, and First Lady had seen enough criticism of both Obama and his predecessor, and had decided she “Doesn’t want to deal with that shit.”

The Illinois native recently went to the mall where she saw a newsstand filled with calendars, games, and more that made fun of different speeches and actions Obama and Bush took. “That was it for me,” Clinton told us. “I’m not getting any younger and I just realized I should be doing what I really want to do.”

Politics always seemed to be Clinton’s dream, but it turns out she’s always wanted to work with candles. “I remember one winter growing up, my father lit a vanilla candle that seemed to light up the whole house with warmth and a beautiful aroma.” Clinton recalled. “Ever since that moment, I realized I wanted to be around candles for the rest of my life. I had a great run with politics, but it’s time to live out my true dream.”

It wasn’t hard for Clinton to get a job at a candle store close by. She regularly visited a Yankee Candle Village close by her house and the staff really loved her. “It was always great when she came by,” store manager Kathy Wallace told us. “When she came in and asked for an application, I thought we were getting pranked or something. I didn’t even need to read her resume once I knew she was serious, since I’ve always been such a big fan of her. I instantly hired her on the spot.”